| Lessons From a Top FBI Hostage Negotiator Last week, I wrote that I was seriously downsizing my material possessions. That means a lot of items to sell via second-hand websites. And facing shrewd negotiators, determined to peel off every possible euro. Great timing, I bumped into a podcast, with the ultimate negotiator. He worked with the FBI for 24 years, as lead international negotiator. Saved thousands of lives. He shares his secrets with James Altucher in Chis Voss: This Is What I Do In A Negotiation. Loved it ! His techniques are quite counterintuitive. And very effective – I’ve started testing them ! His focus is on emotions. Making the other person solve the problems for you in a way that makes both parties happy. My favourite techniques include: 1. “How“. When you ask “how“, you get them to solve your problems for you and in a way they deem acceptable. If a kidnapper demands $1 million cash in 12 hours, a question like “how am I supposed to do that ? ” allows you to say no without alienating them. 2. “No“. When I get a cold sales call it often starts with “yes-trap” questions like “Do you have a phone subscription ?” (obviously…) Just to get me to say yes and start taking me through the sales funnel. So when we get a “yes” question we feel manipulated. Voss recommends we instead get them to say “no” first. Then they can relax. For example at a book signing he asked cold the ex GE CEO Jack Welsh “Is it a ridiculous idea for you to come and speak to the course I teach at USC ?” 3. “List the Negatives“. A great way to create empathy and defuse the negative. You proactively do your “accusation audit“. You may say things like “I know you probably don’t trust me” or “I know it seems I don’t care about you“. 4. “Mirror“. Whatever they say, repeat their last words. As much as possible. I gave it a test on the second-hand website. He said “I can take it for 30 but not above“. So I just repeated “you can take it for 30 but not above…” and he volunteered more information which allowed me to reposition the whole exchange. 5. “Who throws out a number first ?“. Classic negotiation books like Getting to Yes advocate you should give the first number, for anchoring. Voss says let them come up with the first number. And if in a salary negotiation the number is too low, you can get back to the other techniques. Like “if everyone else in my industry is paid ‘X’ then how can I go with the number you suggest ?” 6. “Powerless“. When you arrive at a stage where you feel the negotiation is not going your way you can tell them “sounds like there is nothing YOU can do“. As Voss says, “this will make them feel powerless. Nobody wants to feel powerless. They will say no to that and now they will try to do something for you to prove they are not powerless“. Voss offers many other great techniques like “Use specific numbers“, “Late Night FM DJ Voice“, “Terms and Conditions“, etc. Tune it to the podcast to discover them, along with other fascinating anecdotes. Personal message to my girls: this one you can skip, you already have too much of the upper hand (-; What to Say if a Conversation Turns Negative While reading this great short HBR article, I had a flashback of previous disastrous conversations that could have been turned around. It sounds simple. First not to victimise ourselves. We’re responsible for how others treat us – with what we do/don’t do or say/don’t say. Next, it’s important not to be stuck on an initial interpretation of a statement. Maybe what we perceived as an insult, wasn’t one or meant to be one. Finally there is more than one way to respond to difficult conversations as outlined in 7 Things to Say When a Conversation Turns Negative. The “7 Re”: Reframe/ Rephrase/ Revisit/ Restate/ Request / Rebalance/ Reorganize. For example, I feel I could use more often “Restate” to clarify or redirect negative wording. By restating with a question like “did you mean what I think I heard ?” you give the other person a chance to reconsider, a chance to do the right thing. The more techniques you can draw upon, the more unpredictable you will become. And therefore less of a target to those who might want to drag you into difficult conversations (-: Great Books Summarised in Three Sentences Looking for a list of great Smarter, Wiser, Happier books ? I like the selection of James Clear. And Book Summaries: Popular Books Summarized in 3 Sentences or Less is not just a list. With each book, a short summary. For example, for Free Will by Sam Harris: “We do not have the freedom and free will that we think we do. Yes, you can make conscious choices, but everything that makes up those conscious choices (your thoughts, your wants, your desires) is determined by prior causes outside your control. Just because you can do what you want does not mean you have free will because you are not choosing what you want in the first place”. And if you want more, with each book comes an extended summary with key content and top quotes. My top recommendation for book summaries remains Blinkist (cf WTF #18), a truly great App. “What Do I Want ?” is Not the Real Question Guilty. I ask myself too often “what do I want ?“. Thinking it is the hardest question. Not according to Mark Manson in You probably know to ask yourself, “What do I want?” Here’s a way better question. When it comes down to the goal, the good things we want in life, we’re all pretty much the same. What really makes you you, is “what is the pain that you want to sustain ?“. It’s easy to dream of becoming a rock star, a successful entrepreneur or a top tennis player. To make it true, you have to want the struggle as much as the reward, the process as much as the result. The quality of your life is not determined by the quality of your positive experiences but by the quality of your negative experiences. If you’re not making progress on your dream, that may be an indication that what you want is just a fantasy. That maybe you just enjoy wanting but actually you don’t want it at all. I know many people in that trap, so maybe I’m doing the same. There are areas where I’m eager to deal with the pain (like improving running times in a 20k) and others that I consider more important, yet in which I don’t put the same level of struggle… Super inspiring ! Qwant – A Respectful Alternative to Google I love the convenience and effectiveness of Google. But there is a price to pay. I’m contributing to building one of the world’s largest monopolies. I’m giving away a lot of private information. Potentially not just to Google… And perhaps more insidious, there is the “filter bubble”. That means the more Google knows me, the more it restricts search results to fit my preferences and beliefs. No quite the spirit of WTF… I’m testing an alternative, Qwant. It’s France-based, so any data stays in Europe. They guarantee 100% privacy protection and don’t do filter bubble. My early user experience is a bit akin to shopping in an organic groceries store (-; They have something close enough to what you are looking for but in a rougher format than your regular supermarket. I think I can make it work, though. If you have kids you may also be interested in Qwant Junior for a “clean” web experience. If you’re enjoying my Top Finds, do not hesitate to forward this to friends and suggest they sign up for the weekly dose. Also do not hesitate to share your suggestions. You can access prior issues here. |
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